Dumb Blonde Jokes

[stoaton]

A blonde walked into a bar .

Ow.

[stoaton]

THREE BLONDES, THREE WISHES

There were three blondes stranded on a island far, far away. They saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank you very much lady's". the genie said, just for that I will grant you all one wish and one wish only, so all three blondes were happy.

The first blonde said I want to be rich and have a big mansion with a big swimming pool," poof", she was gone having a good time.

The second blonde said, I want to be a millionaire and own a plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the world, ' poof", she was of with her husband having a good time.

Then the third blonde was so sad. And the genie asked, "what is wrong?", the blonde said, you know what I wish, "I wish my friends were back here with me", and "poof", there they are, back together again.
IP:

[stoaton]

BLONDE MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein - Conceited

[stoaton]

SHE WAS SO BLONDE, THAT...

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

[stoaton]

SUICIDE

If a blonde and a brunette were to jump off a top of a building..who would hit the ground first?

The brunette because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions!

[stoaton]

BLONDE PRISON BREAK

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
IP:

[stoaton]

PUZZLING PUDDLE

A brunette, red head and blonde walk into an elevator with a puddle of white liquid on the floor.

The brunette looks at it and states quite matter of factly "it looks like cum".

The red head puts her face closer to the puddle breathes in and says quite frankly "it smells like cum".

The blonde sticks her finger in it touches it to her tonque and says "well, it's nobody from this building."

[stoaton]

BLONDES IN HEAVEN

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"Oh, No!" she said. But Saint Peter said not to worry, he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter. The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.

Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

[stoaton]

BLONDE BUYING A TV

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
IP:

[stoaton]

KILLER JIGSAW PUZZLE

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[stoaton]

MAGIC MIRROR

here is said to be a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If you stand in front of this mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish. However, if you tell a lie, POOF! you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." POOF! The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! POOF! The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." POOF! She is swallowed up and is never seen again.

[stoaton]

SENDING A MESSAGE

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" "Yes, anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper." She did.

He said, "Go ahead... take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO... MOM?

[stoaton]

BLONDE ORGASMS

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

[stoaton]

GREEN SIDE UP

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

[stoaton]

BLONDE TAKES BUS

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

[stoaton]

FIRST ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[stoaton]

DRIVING SPORTS CAR

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

[stoaton]

BLONDES ON EVEREST

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

[stoaton]

THE WILD WEST

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."
Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"

[stoaton]

PULLED OVER FOR SPEEDING

A policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.

Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."

"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his ***** out.

Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

[stoaton]

BLONDE BRIEFS

How are a blondes like spaghetti?
They squirm when you eat them.

What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of a pool?
An air bubble.

What do you call 10 blondes in a row?
A wind tunnel.

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Why is a blondes brain pea sized in the morning?
It swelled.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial intelligence.

What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?
The more you bang them the looser they get.

Did you hear about the blonde who broke her arm?
She was raking leaves when she fell out of the tree.

What do turtles and blondes have in common?
Once there on their back they're screwed.

How is a blonde like a doorknob?
Everybody gets a turn.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do blondes do in the morning?
Get up and go home.

What do blondes say in the morning?
Who are you guys anyways.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.

Why did the blonde get fired from the m & m factory?
She threw out all the ones with w's.

What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?
A thought.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Red means stop.

What is the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoe's off before you get on a trampoline.

Why don't blondes like vibrators?
They're hard on their teeth.

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus jump off of a bridge, who makes the bigger splash?
The dumb blonde because the others don't exist.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
One's a busy ditch.

[stoaton]

THE OFFICIAL BLONDES SEX QUIZ

TRUE or FALSE?
1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.
2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
4. The G-string is part of a violin.
5. Anus is the Latin word for yearly.
6. Testicles are found on an octopus.
7. Foetus is a character in "Gunsmoke".
8. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
9. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
10. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
11. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
12. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
13. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
14. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
15. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.
16. Climax is a weather balloon.
17. Condom is a small apartment complex.
18. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.
IP:

[stoaton]

MAKE IT OFF THE ISLAND

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[stoaton]

BANK ROBBERY

Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together.

The first blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Robin, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Robin, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Robin.

Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Trisha says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

[stoaton]

SEVEN TEN CAP

The other day I was in the Auto Zone part store. A lady comes in and asks
for a seven ten cap.
We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I
need a new one.
"What does it do?
She said, I don't know, but its always been there.
The Counter Clerk gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a
picture.
So She makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the center she
writes 710.

Question: Was she a blonde?

Take a sheet of paper and write 710 in neat numbers on it. Then draw 1 neat circle around all the numbers .

Turn the paper upside down. lol

[stoaton]

BLONDE FLYING FIRST CLASS

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"

[stoaton]

TELLING A BLONDE JOKE

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[stoaton]

COMLETE SET OF BLONDE JOKES

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond girl dog going to leave!?

Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping card?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an not a very nice person?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q. What do you call 12 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What did the blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
A. Is it mine?

Q. What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What do blondes & screen doors have in common?
A. The more you bang them the looser they get.

Q. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A. They don't know the route.

Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eyes?
A. Put a flashlight in her ear.

Q. What do blondes & computers have in common?
A. You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.

Q. Why do blondes use whiteout on their computer screen?
A. They couldn't find an eraser.

Q. How did the blonde break her leg playing hocky with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A. She fell out of a tree.

Q. What do blondes & turtles have in common?
A. Put them on their backs & their both screwed.

Q. What's the mating call of a blonde?
A. I' getting so drunk.

Q. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. 8-- 1 to bake them & 7 to peel the M&M's.

Q. Why do blondes get tilt steering?
A. It give them more head room.

Q. What do blondes say after sex?
A. Who are you guys?

[stoaton]

HEADPHONES FOR BLONDES

A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on and said to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off".

So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away.

"Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled. "What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on.

Out of the headphones she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

[stoaton]

THE MAIL

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."