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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:27:03 GMT -5
SHORT BLONDE JOKES
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde? A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat? A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make? A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde? A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish? A. She drowns it.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair? A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators? A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A. Fertilized
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering? A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob? A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. An airbag.
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose? A. Bobbing for chips.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? A. So she could lip read.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A. Pregnant.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? A. Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde? A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common? A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex? A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are? A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? A. The joystick is wet.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A. A blow job with handlebars
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain? A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet? A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections? A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde? A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:27:33 GMT -5
DIARY OF A BLONDE COOK
Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!
Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for dinner. I sure don't know how chickens dress for dinner, but I found an old scarf and made a cute little pair of pants for it! I thought it looked darling! When Bill saw it he made a funny strangling sound and then counted very slowly to 10!
Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new oven and set the control for "roast". The oven must not be working right because it still came out hamburger!
Monday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk! IP:
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:30:39 GMT -5
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:32:20 GMT -5
BLONDE ONE-LINERS
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to re-train.
What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant with twins.
Three blondes walked into a bar. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.
How do you know there's a blonde secretary working in an office? The boss is always smiling.
Why is a blonde like a mosquito? She starts sucking, you keep slapping her away and she comes back for more.
Why is a blonde like a bowling ball? You finger her three times, you shag her down an alley and she always comes back for more.
Why is a blonde like a tv? A child can turn her on.
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:32:53 GMT -5
turn on the t.v.
One day a blonde was sitting in her living room with her mom on the couch. Her mom was handicaped and had no arms. So she asked her daughter to turn the t.v. on. The mother died of a heart attack that day. After she told the blonde to turn on the t.v. the blonde began giving the t.v. a lap dance.
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:33:17 GMT -5
WRONG WAY WARNING
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde. "There's f*ck*ng hundreds of them!"
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:33:48 GMT -5
ALLIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:34:26 GMT -5
BLONDE QUICKIES
How do you know when a blonde has been at the computer? There's white out all over the screen.
Why did the blond have a sore belly button? Her boyfriend was also blonde.
What's the difference between a blond and a brick? When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
How do you confuse a blond? Put her in a curricular room and tell her to pee in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you? Tells you she did it.
What does a blonde an a computer have in common? You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.
How do you change a blondes mind? Blow in her ear.
What do you call a blond with a dollar on her head? All you can eat under a buck.
What is the similarity between a smart blond, Santa and the tooth fairy? They are all make believe.
Why did the blond climb on the roof? She heard that drinks were on the house.
What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are? Play ball.
How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
What do you call a blond with a half brain? Gifted.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? One... blondes will screw anything.
What is the difference between blondes and government bonds? Bonds mature, blondes don't.
How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied? Who cares.
Why do blondes rub their eyes when they wake up? They don't have balls to scratch.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
How is a blonde different than a space ship? Not everyone has been in a space ship. IP:
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:36:15 GMT -5
50 COMMENTS BY BLONDES DURING SEX
1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (In the back seat of a car) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today. 12. (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good- looking when I'm sober... 21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will you! 24. You look younger than you feel.. 25. Got any penicillin?. 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. Iwantababy! 30. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies! 31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! IP:
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:36:39 GMT -5
THE YOUNG VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little f*cker on your knee!"
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:37:56 GMT -5
INTERVIEW FOR JOB
A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:38:33 GMT -5
BEST SALESMAN
Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.
The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.
The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.
The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady.
The other two said, so what? The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!! IP:
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:39:02 GMT -5
MIRROR IMAGE
Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!"
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:39:43 GMT -5
STALLED IN THE DESERT
There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car suddenly stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it's not going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her, and the blonde takes the car door.
They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in case I get hungry I'll have something to eat."
They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got thirsty I'll have something to drink." They all decide that's a good idea, too.
Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, "Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:40:05 GMT -5
BLONDE GOES ICE FISHING
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice,set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more."THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!" IP:
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:40:49 GMT -5
CHEATED BLONDE
Three women, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde, all work together in an office. Every day they notice the boss leaves work a little early. So they meet together and decide that today when the boss leaves, they will leave early too. The boss leaves and do do they.
The brunette goes home and straight to bed so can get an early start the next morning. The red head goes home to get in a quick work-out before her dinner date. The blonde goes home and walks into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and sees her husband in bed with her boss, so she shuts the door and left.
The next day, the brunette and the red head are talking about going home early again. They ask the blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!" IP:
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:41:12 GMT -5
BLONDE ON DEATH ROW
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!" IP:
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:41:56 GMT -5
BLONDE DEODORANT
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:42:17 GMT -5
BLONDE DIET
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
"The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, thats amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "Ill tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping!"
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:42:44 GMT -5
ARE BLONDES REALLY SMART?
his blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:43:09 GMT -5
BEWARE THE TREES
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
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Post by stoaton on Sept 27, 2005 14:43:44 GMT -5
READ REAL SLOW
A Blonde And A Brunette Are Running A Ranch Together In Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow..."
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Post by headcheese on Nov 14, 2005 18:47:06 GMT -5
I AM A BLONDE!!
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