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Post by jelly on Nov 10, 2005 20:39:50 GMT -5
Self explanitory..... Put all your random jokes here!
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Post by jelly on Nov 10, 2005 20:41:55 GMT -5
So this pastor skips church on Sunday to go hunting.. He is walking down the path when he sees a bear.. the bear charges him.. he falls down a hill and loses his gun and with his last desperate words he prays 'I'm sorry for skipping church but please god make this bear a christan!' The bear stops in its tracks and puts its paws to together and says 'Oh Lord i do thatnk you for the food i am about to eat, Amen.'
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Post by jelly on Nov 10, 2005 20:44:35 GMT -5
An old man goes into a fertility clinic and says his wife is pregnant.... she is a lot youinger then he is.... the said 'Oh really? Let me tell you a story. One time this man was going to hunt but in his haste grabbed an umbrella instead of a gun. He went out hunting and say a big buck... took aim and fired the buck when down in an instant...' the old man gasped in disbleif 'Thats impossible! Somebody else must of shot that deer!' then the doctar looked at him 'My point exactly'
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Post by stoaton on Nov 22, 2005 23:30:34 GMT -5
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart IP:
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Post by stoaton on Nov 22, 2005 23:30:51 GMT -5
Q: Why do men name their penis? A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
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Post by stoaton on Nov 22, 2005 23:31:17 GMT -5
once a kid liked his teacher and he had it with her the only problem was he was home schooled!
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Post by stoaton on Nov 22, 2005 23:31:50 GMT -5
what type of drugs do mermaids do?
sea weed!
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Post by stoaton on Nov 22, 2005 23:32:15 GMT -5
How did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapeled to the chicken.
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Post by stoaton on Dec 26, 2005 21:23:14 GMT -5
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
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Post by stoaton on Dec 26, 2005 21:25:16 GMT -5
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.
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Post by stoaton on Mar 3, 2006 0:40:25 GMT -5
Once upon a time a starving man named Harry Enis was walking in the middle of a Chinese forest when he stumbled upon a huge mansion. It was close to nightfall and he had no where to stay, no food, and nothing to make camp; so he walked up to the mansion and rang the doorbell. A very ancient man with a long beard brushing the floor answered the loud, clanging gong. Harry begged for a place of shelter, and the old man pittied him and let him stay. At dinner the old man introduced Harry to his daughter, Naomi(i moan backwards). She was the meaning of beauty, and Harry instantly fell for her - mostly because he hadn't done it in a while, due to his disposition of starving and homeless in a forest. - ANYWAY - The old man saw Harry eyeing his daughter and said to him, "If you touch my daughter, I will subject to you the three worst Chinese tortures."
That night Harry snuck out of his room and into Naomi's. Having been cooped up in this old mansion for so long, she had no objections.
In the morning he woke up, and after 10 minutes decided that something heavy was on his chest stopping him from breathing properly. He opened his eyes to find a 50 kilo rock on his chest with sign on it that said "First Chinese Torture: 50 kilo rock on chest." Thinking that it wasn't that heavy he picked it up and threw it out the window. As the rock fell out the window he noticed a sign on the bottom that said "Second Chinese Torture: Rock tied to right testicle." In a panic he jumped out the window, what man wouldn't? Unfortunately he looked up and saw the sign on the bottom of the window sill "Third Chinese Torture: left testicle tied to bed post."
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Post by stoaton on Mar 3, 2006 0:50:58 GMT -5
Top Ten Slogans Viagra slogans
10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzzzzzz up!"
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, like a rock
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
6. Viagra, be all that you can be
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, tastes great......more filling
2. Viagra, we bring good things to life
And the number one slogan is: 1.This is your thingy.....this is your thingy on drugs. Any questions? CALL 1-800-BIGSTICK
elmo....
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says...
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
A Hillbilly went to a bar. He took a seat next to a gorgeous woman. Looking at her closer, he decided he'd like to get to know her, so he moved his barstool closer. She looked at him, and said...
"You're wasting your time. I'm a Lesbian."
The Hillbilly asked "What's a Lesbian?"
The Lesbian said "You see that bargirl over there? If I had her at my place, I'd remove all her clothes."
The Lesbian proceeded to tell the Hillbilly exactly what she'd do, with what part of her body, for how long, to the bargirl.
The Hillbilly sat stunned for a minute, and moved his stool back where it was. In a minute, the Lesbian looked at him.
He had big Crocodile tears flowing down his cheeks. She said "What's the matter with you?"
He said "I think I'm a Lesbian too!"
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